“Smellus Fartus” Saturday, 29th September, 1979

We awoke to a dull, overcast and windy day. At 9.00a.m., I learned of the scratchings from 2KY’s programme, ‘Turf Time’, that is co-presented by Max Presnell and Ian Craig.

Tiki drove to Rockdale, with us having departed from home at ten o’clock. Having parked in George Street, beyond the suburb’s town hall, we bought the tickets at the railway station. Their purchase would allow us to be conveyed to Sydney’s inner line, which is known as the City Circle.

Alighting at Wynyard, we employed the use of our umbrellas until we had reached the G.P.O., in Martin Place. We entered the cafe, ‘Courtyard’, which is located on the ground floor of the building that is owned by the company, ‘M.L.C.’ We ordered two hot chocolates, at a cost of seventy cents each. Upon our emergence, to our surprise, the sky had cleared!

We walked down and into the new railway station, Martin Place, for the first time. It impressed us, with its maroon walls and light blue seats really complementing each other!

Upon our return to the level of the street, we walked down Phillip and past the Wentworth Hotel to arrive at the Opera House. Continuing on we passed Circular Quay, as we headed for the Argyle Tavern and at approximately one o’clock we entered to partake of its smorgasbord at a cost to each of us of four dollars and forty-five cents.

Tiki’s initial serving consisted of her choice of lamb, fish and curry with potato. I was so impressed by her selection and, therefore, asked the chef for a repetition. The chap who followed us in the queue exclaimed, “That looks good! I’ll have the same!”

We located secluded seats that were affixed to the floor upstairs, in the restaurant’s rear section and having devoured our meal we returned for our respective second helpings, having shown our receipt to be entitled to them. This time we opted for cold meat, salad and a bread roll.

Tiki paid fifty cents each for a bread and butter plate filled with a square slice of a cherry dessert that was smothered in custard and fruit salad, and fifty cents each for a cup of coffee with cream.

Pressing on, we entered the Botanical Gardens near to the Conservatorium Of Music prior to entering the tropical glass pyramid. However, within ten minutes we beat a hasty retreat when Tiki omitted a real stinker.

I had Tiki in stitches, as I chose to remain in the same vein as that of the botanical names on display inside the pyramid thereby referring to her ‘effort ‘ as “Smellus Fartus”.

We followed the path through the palms and onward to the new, impressive ‘Cacti’ section which is still under construction and not yet open to the public although we did take the time to wander through it.

Although the sunshine was pleasant, the wind blew strongly and the waters of Farm Cove appeared to be terribly choppy. Nearing Lady Macquarie’s Chair, via the footpath along the foreshore, we had to retrace our steps, firstly into the strong wind that carried sand, grit and leaves. Having rounded the point, we were then on the lee side and facing Garden Island. It was there that we became excited at the sight of an eight-to-ten week old Alsatian pup with its ears already erect.

Our attention was soon attracted to the crowds of people on the flight deck of the aircraft carrier, ‘H.M.A.S. Melbourne’, moored at Garden Island as a naval helicopter of an old appearance warmed up on the southern end of its deck. We sat on a rock and waited for some five minutes before it took flight. It travelled straight over our heads prior to it disgorging frogmen from a height of about ten metres, at intervals, into the harbour. The pilot waved to the crowd that stood on the peninsula of rock above us and we laughed at the member of its crew who sat at the doorway as he dangled his feet over its edge and, as if to music, clapped his feet together.

We witnessed the pilot ultra-cautiously return his machine to the carrier’s deck prior to us setting out to walk past the swimming pool – named in honour of Andrew ‘Boy’ Charlton – which, quite understandably, housed few swimmers and sunbathers.

A tall, lean and gangly gent of perhaps twenty-five or thirty years roller-bladed past us, as we made our way to the Mitchell Library. His knees were well padded with protective guards. However, it was his stature that amused us more as we envisaged him to be more like a two-legged giraffe. Perhaps, all of the walking was starting to take a toll on our minds?

We reached Saint Mary’s Cathedral prior to us crossing Collins Street and entering Hyde Park. There, the Archibald Fountain was flowing in all of its glory, glistening on a day when the temperature reached twenty-four degrees Celsius, which is four degrees above the seasonal average.

We were looking for a place from which to purchase a cold orange juice each when Tiki suddenly espied her parents, of all people, as they were in the process of walking away from the fountain. We sneaked up behind them and I exclaimed, in my sternest voice, “All right! You’re both under arrest for loitering in the park!”

I had “Mum” believe, just for a moment, that a policeman was, in fact, addressing them.

They were as surprised to see us, as we them!

The four of us adjourned to a cafe in Centrepoint, which we found to be hot and somewhat claustrophobic. Tiki and I opted to have an orange juice each while an iced coffee sufficed ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’. It was his shout.

The pair had lunched at the relatively new ‘Jasmine Court’, a Chinese restaurant in Blakehurst and were en route to the State Theatre in Market Street where they were to view James Brolin and Margot Kidder in the screening of ‘The Amityville Horror’.

We entered on to Pitt Street and ventured into the old Strand Arcade that had been restored so beautifully, a few years ago, after the fire that gutted it had almost resulted in such a restoration being abandoned.

The four of us entered George Street and walked to its intersection with Market Street, where we parted, but not before ‘Dad’ and I had discussed the recently begun restoration of the building that is the Queen Victoria. It possesses ten copper domes on either side of its roof, as well as a huge one in the middle.

Tiki and I boarded the train at twenty-five to five that was to return us from Town Hall to Rockdale. Tiki’s feet were so sore, that this prompted her to sit on a seat located beside the Princes Highway, while I walked up to George Street to retrieve our car. It was twenty past five when I collected her. The races were replayed on the radio as we travelled home.

The jockey, Malcolm ‘Miracle Mal’ Johnston, had not only ridden ‘Kingston Town’ (7/4), the winner of the $100,500 Spring Champion Stakes, but also ‘Imposing’ (11/2), which was also first past the post in the $100,500 Epsom Handicap. Each victory earned Malcolm the sum of $6,800 ( 10% of the first prize).

The news on Channel 7, at six o’clock, was followed, at half past the hour, by Channel 9’s ‘Ask The Leyland Brothers’. The programme includes the coverage of a ride on Telecom’s sky lift. The journey, of some twenty minutes, covers a distance of five and a half kilometres and the structure, itself, is located on Queensland’s second-tallest mountain, Bellenden Kerr. Unfortunately, it is not open to the general public!

We observed a programme of Channel 7’s forensic medical series, ‘Quincy MD’, with Jack Klugman cast in its principal role. During its viewing we imbibed in a bottle of ‘Mateus’ rose, which had cost us three dollars and twenty-nine cents.

Unsurprisingly, Tiki fell sound asleep on the lounge!

The Top 40 Fantasies: No. 16

  1. Tin Soldier (1967) The Small Faces
  2. Amapola (1941) Jimmy Dorsey and his Orchestra; vocalists: Bob Eberly and Helen O’Connell
  3. Let’s Walk A Thata-way (1953) Doris Day and Johnnie Ray
  4. A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square (1940) Glenn Miller and his Orchestra; vocalist: Ray Eberle
  5. The Ballad Of The Green Berets (1966) Staff Sergeant Barry Sadler
  6. Flowers In The Rain (1967) The Move
  7. We’ll Sing In The Sunshine (1964) Gale Garnett
  8. Doctor My Eyes (1972) Jackson Browne
  9. Layla (1971) Derek and The Dominos
  10. Working In The Coal Mine (1966) Lee Dorsey
  11. One (1969) Johnny Farnham
  12. He (1955) Al Hibbler
  13. Yesterday’s Hero (1975) John (Paul) Young
  14. One (1969) Three Dog Night
  15. A Never Ending Song Of Love (1971) Delaney and Bonnie and Friends
  16. Wheels (1961) The String-Alongs
  17. Dust My Broom (1952) Elmore James
  18. The Cheater (1966) Bob Kuban and The In-Men
  19. You, Me And Us (1957) Alma Cogan
  20. Sunshine, Lollipops And Rainbows (1965) Lesley Gore
  21. Take This Job And Shove It (1977) Johnny Paycheck
  22. 98.6 (1966) Keith
  23. 40 Cups Of Coffee (1953) Ella Mae Morse
  24. Boogie Woogie Lou (1950) Zeb Turner
  25. Don’t Cross The River (1973) America
  26. A Picture Of You (1962) Joe Brown and The Bruvvers
  27. Chains (1962) The Cookies
  28. Are You Ready For The Country (1976) Waylon Jennings
  29. Many Tears Ago (1946) Eddy Arnold and his Tennessee Plowboys
  30. The Shape I’m In (1959) Johnny Restivo
  31. Sugarbush (1951) Doris Day and Frankie Laine
  32. Please Don’t Talk To The Lifeguard (1963) Diane Ray
  33. A Handful Of Songs (1957) Tommy Steele
  34. You Won’t Be Leaving (1966) Herman’s Hermits
  35. (If Paradise Is) Half As Nice (1969) Amen Corner
  36. Petootie Pie (1946) Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Jordan
  37. Shake (1965) Sam Cooke
  38. That’s Life (That’s Tough) (1962) Gabriel and The Angels
  39. I’m A Tiger (1968) Lulu
  40. Wonderwall (1995) Oasis